You're Fired

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  Chapter 1

  “I really hate you.”

  “You know you say that to me literally every shift, right?” Phoebe didn’t look up from her computer screen. “I’m numb to your anger by now.”

  Rose glared from across the cubicle. Phoebe ignored her and kept typing until Rose diverted her attention back to her own computer.

  “You’re the reason I have this stupid job,” Rose said.

  “I’m the reason you’re able to pay your bills and afford your tuition. But whatever helps you sleep at night.”

  “I could’ve worked at McDonald’s,” Rose whispered, laying her head against the desk. “I could be eating a free burger right now.”

  Phoebe scrunched her nose. “You’d smell like french fries all day.”

  Rose sighed. “French fries. Hot and sizzling straight out of the fryer and not frozen like this goddamned office.” She shivered. “Why do we have a fan on in the middle of winter? It’s December!”

  “Because this office is like two feet wide and there’s a hundred people in it,” Phoebe told her. “Turn that fan off and we’ll all be sweating. This place will reek of B.O. faster than Garth’s gym.”

  Garth’s gym. I should have gotten a job there. Fit, shirtless men. Ripped women walking around in nothing but their underwear. She could get fit and consume eye candy at the same time. That was the dream life. Too bad that Garth was Phoebe’s ex. Rose would never side with him after their breakup. Instead, desperate for a part-time job, she had agreed to help Phoebe do data entry for this stupid company in this stupid office. Literally nothing could be more boring, but it paid her college fees and that’s what mattered. Only another month of this and she’d have saved up enough to leave work behind for the semester and focus on school.

  Rose tugged her cardigan closer around her body. It was entirely unintentional when her hand slipped into her pocket and she pulled out her phone. She was good at letting her personal life distract her at work.

  Twenty minutes after descending into Facebook Hell—surprisingly without reprimand from Phoebe—Rose looked up to see her screen had gone black. She moved the mouse frantically, hoping it was just the screen saver, until she gave up and accepted reality. Her computer had shut itself off again, and she was left staring at her reflection in the darkened monitor screen. The harsh lighting in the office made her blonde hair look white. She did like her new lip gloss, though, even if her lips were turned down in a pout. It brought out the brown of her eyes.

  “Goddamn it,” she yelled, smacking the monitor on its side. “This stupid thing is older than I am. It shuts down every time I leave it idle for too long.”

  “Why were you leaving it idle?”

  “Shut up, Pho.”

  “Point Phoebe. You know, you could just fix it yourself. Why are you spending all that money on tuition if you’re not going to use your degree?”

  Rose pressed the power button on her tower. The lights flashed, followed by a whirring that sounded like a lawn mower, and slowly the computer began rebooting itself. Rose sat back in her chair, unlocked her phone, and waited. “I took some computer science classes, not archaeology classes. I know how to fix real computers, not dinosaurs like this one.”

  “You could figure it out,” Phoebe said.

  “I could,” Rose agreed, “but why put the tech department out of a job? Plus, computers aren’t my favorite thing in the world. I’m better with numbers. Unlike whoever decided that broken staplers were a better use of the budget than new computers. Do the rest of Gio’s branches operate like this or is it just us? Because I have no idea how any company can be internationally successful yet behind the third world in terms of technology. Where is all this money we’re making going?”

  “Hey, Rose. Hi, Phoebe.” At the sound of her name, Rose looked up to see Mason approaching.

  Rose and Phoebe’s cubicle was in the back corner, far away from most of the people who did the real work in the office. They seldom had visitors. Rose was glad to see Mason, though.

  “Hey! What’s up?” she greeted him.

  “Oh, nothing much.” He rested his arm over the cubicle wall. “I’m just bored and on my break. Have you guys drawn for the Secret Santa yet?”

  “We’re doing a gift exchange?” she asked, surprised. “I hope someone gets me a new computer. This thing’s a piece of shit.” She gestured at the monitor which had blacked out again while she talked to Mason. This time she didn’t even attempt to turn it back on.

  “Need me to fix it?” Mason asked. “I can do it in…” He glanced at his watch. “Ten minutes when I’m on the clock and getting paid for it.”

  “Sounds good to me.” Rose shrugged, then turned to Phoebe. “And that’s what I mean by keeping the tech department in business.”

  He turned to head off, but Phoebe’s cry stopped him. “No, wait!” He froze mid-step like a burglar caught sneaking into a house.

  Phoebe cleared her throat. “I just mean… You’re off the clock. You should get one of the other technicians to do it. Like…Harley. Maybe.”

  Mason and Rose shared a knowing look, and Mason took a step back.

  “All right,” he said, grinning. “I can get Harley to come over here for you. I’ll get her to bring the Secret Santa bowl too, so you can draw out your names.”

  Phoebe nodded and returned to work with a satisfied smile. Rose grinned too, then stuck a finger down her throat in a gagging motion for Mason’s benefit. He laughed, and Phoebe shot them both a suspicious glare.

  Rose feigned innocence. “Hey, don’t look at me like that. All I’ve done today is save Harley’s job by giving her work to do. You should be grateful.”

  “So who’d you draw for the Secret Santa?” Phoebe asked Mason, changing the subject.

  “You’ll never guess.”

  “You’re right, I probably won’t.”

  There were too many people at this company for Rose to know all of them, especially when she was confined to her cubicle most of the time she was here. Aside from traveling across the office to the bathroom or to the kitchen on breaks, Rose hadn’t seen much of the place. If her computer actually worked like it was supposed to, she would never even have met Mason or Harley.

  Mason dug into his pocket and held up a piece of paper proudly. Rose squinted to read it, but Mason was all too eager to tell her. “Bailey.”

  Rose racked her brain for a moment to place the name. “Is Bailey that hot manager you have a crush on?”

  “He sure is,” Mason confirmed, folding the strip of paper and slipping it back into his khakis. “Drawing his name was the most luck I’ve ever had.”

  “Or it was fate,” Phoebe offered kindly.

  “Fate. Luck. Whatever it is, I’ll take it.” Mason glanced at his watch again. “Anyway, I better get back to work. I’ll make sure to get Harley for you, Pho.”

  Phoebe blushed but recovered well and offered Mason a small “thanks” before he left.

  Rose continued to ignore her computer. She’d care about it again once Harley made it operable. Until then, she had better things to preoccupy herself with.

  “So,” Rose drawled, wheeling her chair closer to Phoebe. “You and Harley, huh?”

  Phoebe pushed her away playfully, sending Rose rolling back to the opposite side of the cubicle. “Whatever, Walsh.” Phoebe spoke confidently. “Harley’s hot and you know it.”

  “I didn’t say she wasn’t,” Rose agreed. “You should go for it. I’m just jealous you’re moving on from Gart
h so fast. I haven’t been with anyone since Chad, and I’m starting to wonder if I should hit on Harley myself.”

  Phoebe glared at her. “I saw her first. She’s mine.”

  “Gross, Pho,” Rose scolded playfully. “She’s not an unmarked plot of land you can stick a flag in and call your own. If that’s how you treat women perhaps I should let Harley know.”

  “Rose, you know I wouldn’t—”

  “Joking.” Rose held her hands up. “You’re so snappy today. ’Bout time you got laid again.”

  “You’re one to talk,” Phoebe said. “Garth broke up with me two weeks ago. Chad broke up with you two months ago. Have you even talked to anyone else yet?”

  “Well there was someone who tried to hit on me a few weeks ago,” Rose said tentatively. “But I turned them down. Not for the reason you think,” she quickly interjected. “Not because of Chad. He was a shitty boyfriend, and I’m over him.”

  “Someone was flirting with you?” Phoebe asked curiously. “What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me? We’re best friends. We’re supposed to tell each other everything.”

  Rose shrugged. “I didn’t think you’d want to know.”

  “Of course I want to know!” Phoebe exclaimed. “Who was it?”

  “Your brother.”

  The silence in the cubicle was almost as awkward as it had been for Rose to be hit on by her best friend’s brother. Phoebe didn’t take long to break it.

  “Ew. You’re right. I didn’t want to know. I think it’s safe to say that Christopher has officially hit on everyone now.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “For real, though.” Phoebe shifted backward. “You should find someone new. Or at least get laid sometime soon.”

  “I know.” Rose sighed. “But I don’t trust any random dude to pick me up in a bar for the night, and girls always want to take things further. I don’t think I’m ready for another relationship yet. Not while I’m busy with school and work.” Rose paused for a moment, considering. “Some sex sure would be nice, though.”

  “Masturbate more,” Phoebe offered helpfully.

  “Tried that,” Rose answered honestly. “I’m already bored of touching myself.”

  “Then spice it up.”

  “Huh?”

  “Get yourself a nice dildo.”

  Rose chewed her bottom lip for a moment. “That’s…not a bad idea, actually.”

  “Of course it’s not,” Phoebe said. “Have I ever given you bad advice?”

  Rose could recall many, many nights when Phoebe had urged her to drink those extra shots. Or to pour more vodka into that Moscow Mule. She recalled the mornings after those many, many nights. Mornings spent on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet. And she could also recall the day Phoebe had suggested Rose take this job.

  Before Rose could call Phoebe out on all of the awful advice she had given her over the years, Harley peeked her head around the corner of their cubicle.

  “I heard there’s a computer that needs fixing?”

  In one hand Harley held her tool box. The other gripped a small bowl filled halfway with folded strips of paper, which she set on the counter.

  “Yes.” Rose rolled away from her desk to give Harley more space to work. “It’s a piece of junk. I’m not even sure it’s worth fixing at this point. I need a new one.”

  “No way this office can afford new computers,” Harley told her, crawling underneath Rose’s desk. “They haven’t had a budget for that since the nineties, judging by the age of this thing.”

  Rose could have figured that out. It was clear from day one that whoever was operating this place either didn’t have money or didn’t have any idea how to allocate it. If Rose were in charge of an international corporation like Gio, her employees would have a lot more to work with than mediocre equipment and a lack of job security. Hell, if all went according to plan, she could get her degree and buy Gio out in ten years. With Rose in charge, maybe this branch would actually be successful and everyone here would make the wages they deserved.

  “Oh, you guys can draw names if you want.” Harley gestured to the ceramic bowl.

  Phoebe smiled and settled the bowl on her lap. Rose reached between her legs to grab a name.

  Vivian Tracey. Rose had never heard of her.

  Phoebe busied herself drawing a name, and her eyes went wide as soon as she read the slip. She tilted the paper toward Rose. “Look,” she whispered.

  Rose read. Harley Dayton.

  “Fate,” she said, and Phoebe nodded.

  “You look happy.” Harley glanced up from where she was unscrewing the cover of Rose’s CPU. “Who’d you get?”

  “Wouldn’t you like to know?” Phoebe teased. “It’s called a Secret Santa for a reason. I’m not telling anyone whose name I drew until the gift exchange. You’ll just have to wait to find out.”

  “Boo.” Harley pouted. “Who’d you get, Rose?”

  “I have no idea,” she said honestly. “Some girl.”

  Harley nodded understandingly. “Yeah, I have no idea who the person I drew is either. Guess I’ll meet them at the Christmas party.”

  Rose watched Phoebe’s face brighten at the word party. It wasn’t the first time. “When’s the party?”

  “Christmas Eve. We’ve still got a couple weeks until we have to spend money we don’t have on complete strangers we don’t care about.”

  “Do you think someone’ll get me a new computer?” Rose asked hopefully.

  Harley scoffed. “Yeah, if hell freezes over like this damn office. Have you seen this place’s budget? They’re in the fucking tank. I can’t believe they can even afford to pay us as much as they do, and they sure don’t pay us a lot. The insurance here barely covers enough physical therapy for me to pay for the rest on my own. I know we’re just regular employees, but even the managers can’t make much more than us.”

  Rose and Phoebe nodded in understanding.

  Harley snapped the cover back on the tower. “Well, your computer should work for at least the rest of the day. It’s still a piece of shit, though. There are some miracles even I can’t perform.” She crawled back out.

  “Thanks, Harley. You’re a life saver.”

  “Don’t mention it.” Harley tossed her tools carelessly back in the toolbox. She took much more care in grabbing the bowl off of Phoebe’s thighs, standing closer than she needed to.

  Rose let them have their moment.

  “Well, I guess I’ll see both of you at the Christmas party.” Harley tucked the bowl against her side.

  “You most definitely will,” Phoebe said.

  Harley’s smile widened. “See you around, Pho.”

  “Damn,” Rose said after Harley left. “She totally has a thing for you.”

  Phoebe leaned back in her chair, throwing her arms over her head and stretching. “I know,” she moaned. “And it’s so great.”

  “I’m jealous,” Rose admitted. She missed the thrill of infatuation. The breathlessness, the giddiness. The way that special someone made her body feel. The way she could think of no one else. But at least she could live vicariously through her best friend.

  “You should be jealous, Rose,” Phoebe said dreamily. “You should be very jealous.”

  “So I ordered two of them.”

  Rose was actually working for a change and had been for the past couple of hours. Her computer hadn’t shut down in days, and it was so refreshing to have the screen stay on that Rose thought she’d take advantage of the opportunity and help out Phoebe by doing some work.

  “Two of what?” Phoebe asked distractedly, glancing over from her own desk.

  “What you told me to buy,” Rose said. “Dildos.”

  Phoebe paused. “Why do you need two?” Her hands hovered over her keyboard as she focused on Rose. “I’m going to regret aski
ng that, aren’t I? Never mind, don’t answer. I don’t want to hear about your weird double penetration fetish.”

  “They’re not both for me.” Rose’s face scrunched in discomfort at the thought. “Plus they were on sale. Buy one get one free.”

  “Who else are you buying dildos for?”

  “Whoever this girl I drew for the Secret Santa is.”

  Phoebe quickly trundled her seat over to Rose and said in a harsh whisper, “Rose, you cannot give some random girl a dildo for Christmas. You are going to get in so much trouble for that.”

  “What are they going to do? Fire me?” Rose looked Phoebe straight in the eye. “Oh no!” She gasped and clutched her face. “What a tragedy.”

  “Rose, I’m serious,” Phoebe whispered. “That’s an awful idea, and you know it.”

  “I think you meant to say a hilarious idea,” Rose corrected. “And incredibly economical.”

  “It won’t be hilarious if you embarrass that poor girl and she files a sexual harassment lawsuit against you,” Phoebe said.

  “Come on, Pho. It’s just a gag gift—it’s not that serious. I’m sure she’ll laugh at it. This office is so boring. I can’t be the only one dying for a little excitement. You have to admit it is kind of a funny idea.”

  “Okay,” Phoebe said, taking a breath. “It’s kind of funny. But in the story way. If someone told me they did that once upon a time, I’d laugh. But if my coworker slash best friend is telling me they’re going to do it and probably get themselves fired, it’s not quite as funny. At least get the girl a real gift, too. One she can actually show her children when she gets home and they ask her what she got.”

  Rose sighed. “Fine. We’ll compromise. That’s one of your better ideas, I guess.”

  “Hey. Have I ever given you a bad ide—”

  “Yes,” Rose cut her off. “You’re giving me party-pooping ideas right now. When I tell this story to all our friends and they laugh their asses off, I’ll let them know how you tried to stop me and ruin the fun.”

  “Bitch.”

  “Damn right I am,” Rose said proudly, opening a browser on her computer. “I guess I’ll buy the girl some soaps or a candle or something. You know, in case she wants to use the dildo in the bathtub or have mood lighting while she fucks herself. Or both.”